Zaya

Festive Fall

2011-10-30T03:30:00.001-04:00

The air is nippy, the time of wishing to cozy up beside the fire and sip a warm cocoa is here. I won't say I don't miss summer... but Fall sure is neat too!

Here's a couple shots, Fall is so vibrant around here! I'm so glad for EVERY season.

Life has seasons too, and I suppose each of us must have a favorite season of life we like. But there's something good in them all. Just like there is in the bitter cold and colorlessness of Winter. It's gorgeous in its' seeming simplicity, majestic in its' quiet serenity where little details shine through - the tinkle of ice, the song of a bird, the sparkle of a snowflake, the soft tickle as it melts on your skin. Every season has it's purpose, personality, lessons, growth... Maybe the winter (or summer if you're more of the cool weather sentiment ) seems unendurably long... but we always make it through, and summer (or winter ) always comes... just in time.

Enough pondering. Finally, here's just a touch of the beautiful vibrancy of fall... as if it's attempting to supply you with enough color to last you through the Winter.

~ Ashley

~ LiFe ~

2011-09-21T22:47:00.004-04:00

Life happens (as you can tell from my scant posts ). It's been so busy and parts of it quite eventful. When you have so much going on, so much to do, it's so easy to forget that God is there, wishing you'd come spend some time with Him. He really wants to know us and be deep with us. I'm so glad He keeps calling me closer to Him, and back to Him when I get distracted.

I don't know why I'm even bothering to post here, I don't really think anyone reads it... nevertheless, something within me calls me to write, so here it is.

Here's just one example of His faithfulness:

My husband and I were driving along and....

Yes, that's rain. And no, we couldn't see much!

And then this. (an hour later) God's promises are so wonderful! (notice the rainbow??)

And finally... the beams break through.

These were all taken the same day.

Thanks for showing us Your faithfulness, Lord... every day, in the day-to-day, always.

~ Ashley

In the Midst of the Storm

2011-05-24T22:54:00.000-04:00

My heart sinks as I hear stories of people's lives turned upside down by these storms.

I love thunderstorms... here where I live anyway. I love them at the same time I have a fear of them. But that's what makes them wonderful. They make a spectacular flash as lightening illuminates the world. The heavy rain makes a soothing pitter-patter as it hits the roof and ground. The thunder seems to rumble through my heart and somehow it's just amazing.

There is this thrilling mingling of breathlessness, because I know how powerful the storm can be, with a feeling of freedom and exhilaration and some strange desire to just stand out there with my face turned upwards, arms outstretched and take it in, experience the storm.

(I'm cheating 'cuz these pictures were taken a while ago )

Life is like that too. Full of storms. Some of them you feel you can run in, take in stride. See the good in. Others seem to leave a wake of destruction, so painful to the heart and body that you feel you can stand no longer.

But in the midst of that storm, Jesus is always there. Always.

Sometimes, not always, but sometimes, I think He allows those storms to turn us back to Him. To help us realize our need for Him. So that we stop feeling like we are so strong without Him, because we are not. He wants us to run to Him. For He is our refuge and strength. That is the only place we will really find rest and peace and joy. The first place I should turn is to Him. Dash into His strong arms, let Him be my father and protector.

"For thou hast been a strength to the poor, a strength to the needy in his distress, a refuge from the storm, a shadow from the heat, when the blast of the terrible ones is as a storm against the wall." Isaiah 25:4

I've been grateful for the little glimpses of sunshine these last few days, mingled with storms of course. Sometimes I just run outside and turn my face to the sun, I so love the feel of it glowing on my skin. I think Ethan chuckles at me whenever I perk up when I see the sun pop out for a moment and I drop whatever I'm doing and dash outside, even if just for a moment. I know it's silly, but that's just me. It can turn a droopy, heavy, overwhelming day into a happy, carefree day. (Maybe most of it is that I usually talk to God while I'm out there? I tell Him what's troubling me and He somehow lets me know it's not so bad after all. I turn my eyes to Him and He calms my heart. Somehow it just seems to be a habit for me. Now to make it a habit to talk to Him inside on cloudy days. )

In the midst of so many "bad news" things and the world seeming to fall apart, it's nice to see little joys in life.

The sunshine sparkling on water.

A little butterfly.

Tiny tadpoles slowly changing into neat little frogs.

New green growth litterally exploding everywhere after the cold of winter.

Bare toes in grass or sand.... And to know that Jesus is there. He never leaves me. And someday soon, I will be with Him, where all these painful things don't happen.

When I look upon nature - it's so pure, simple, trusting! When I turn my eyes to Jesus, the world grows peaceful once more.

~ Ashley

Be Ready....?

2011-05-19T22:49:00.000-04:00

With all this talk about the world ending on the 21st, it's gotten me thinking. Regardless of whether "they" are right, we were told by Jesus to be ready, because we never know when He will come.

But how can we be "ready"? I sat there in the dusk tonight asking myself this question. The soft blanket of night fell across the land as I looked out on the dimming landscape and realized just how temporary all this was.

Whenever I start thinking like that I get this catch in my chest. I have a moment of panic, because I don't like the unknown. And I don't know everything about Heaven. So that makes it an unknown. And I started to get afraid.

But then, then I made myself take a deep breath. It's true, I can't know all about Heaven. But I can get to know Jesus more and more. And that is who I am going to be with... and that's when my second wave of uneasiness started. how do I know that is the One I am going to be with... what if...?

And the "what if's" poured forth. There are so many opinions about what you must do to be saved or stay saved. I started to get breathless all over again, when the Lord softly calmed my heart.

He whispered, in that way He does whisper...

Rest in Me.

Seek to know Me.

Talk with Me. Listen to Me. Obey Me.

And then I began to realize...

I need to make sure my heart is right before Him, that I am doing what He has asked and have "come clean" and confessed to Him my wrongs, my wrong attitudes, actions, motives... communicate with Him. Listen to Him, not everyone else and their speculations. Seek to know Him. Trust Him. Let Him be my friend that I tell all to, that nothing comes between us.

I need to stop thinking about what other people have said or will think.

"My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me." John 10:27

I like that. I like thinking of myself as His sheep. His sheep that He loves so very much. Sheep don't try to figure everything out. They graze softly by their master. Content. Trusting. They look to Him for direction. He leads them to green pastures, maybe the way there is hard, but the end is green pastures. I must trust Him.

So I end this wondering night, this night where I started to panic because, how could I possibly know how to be ready, to do it all right, to sort out all the different things people are saying. I end this night with my eyes on Him, leaving all those questions behind, because I seek to know Him and serve Him, obey Him, and hear Him. What He is asking me to do, not what He has asked others to do. To abide with Him. Be close to Him. Be his little sheep. Yield to Him. Trust Him. And that is all. Simple. Hard, but simple. And, oh, so freeing.

Thank You Lord for being my everlasting Shepherd.

"Be merciful unto me, O God, be merciful unto me: for my soul trusteth in thee: yea, in the shadow of thy wings will I make my refuge, until these calamities be overpast." Psalm 57:1

~ Ashley

There is a Whisper

2011-05-16T00:00:00.000-04:00

I came across this blog post and I just couldn't help sharing it. Jesus is the sweet breath of air, the gentle spring rain, the hand that holds you up. No matter what. No matter when.

"Sometimes life can hurt so bad it takes your breath away. You look around you and see brokenness. Broken people. Broken relationships. Broken lives. Broken hearts.

Some days your own brokenness is startlingly glaring. And how can you help others find healing from their brokenness when you are so broken yourself?"

A question I often asked myself.

"And then there's a whisper.
{{Jesus.}} "

An answer Jesus always brought to my heart, but I need to be reminded so often.

You can read the rest here: http://beauty-after-rain.xanga.com/747100040/item/

~Ashley

Of Fireflies and... Security?

2011-05-12T23:59:00.000-04:00

Just went on a lovely walk with my husband. I can't wait for the fireflies. And I love the peepers (frogs). The Lord's little wonders.

I've been thinking a lot about security lately. Perhaps because I have this uncanny ability to become attached to people, animals, places... And then I start wondering if they'll always be there. People and animals will pass on. Places will change.

And I have this wrong idea that my husband is all I need. Wrong! That thought would get me in a lot of trouble if I let it stay. Jesus is all I need. And my husband is a close second

God has been working on me to build around Him as the center. I don't know about other people, but for me, it's so easy to make your husband, your work, or your family your world. But truly I need to make the Lord my world. What I revolve around. What makes me tick. What gives me joy. Who I live to please and serve.

Otherwise, I will be disappointed when my husband can't fulfill my every need, when my friend seems to forget about me, when a place changes.

To truly be joyful, I need to look to Jesus for my fulfillment and strength. Not myself. Not my husband. Not my family. Nothing but the Lord.

"The LORD is my rock, and my fortress, and my deliverer; my God, my strength, in whom I will trust; my buckler, and the horn of my salvation, and my high tower." Psalm 18:2

Where are my eyes today? Where is my heart? Who do I run to first?

It should be the Lord first, husband second... then everything else.

~Ashley

Fantastic Food - Outside!

2011-05-08T23:56:00.004-04:00

I've been loving the last two days... and the kissed-by-the-sun feeling from being outside. Thank you Lord for sunshine and warmth!

Ethan and I couldn't resist the sun today, and even 55 degrees felt warm with the constant sun and gentle breeze... so we took cooking outside. It's so fun, often Ethan thinks of cool foods to make, and many times we make them together.

I've never been a "kitchen girl", but I certainly don't mind the kitchen we used today!

And I love cooking for (and sometimes with) my husband.

Outdoor kitchen!

We made yummy tempura... our favorites were the shrimp, potatoes, broccoli, and onions.

served with (cheating) Ramen noodles and oil based cabbage salad. Delicious!

so we enjoyed the sunshine AND the food today. Reveling outside in God's creation.

~ Ashley

Woodland Creatures

2011-04-25T23:54:00.005-04:00

Ethan and I were happily working on our computers beside each other in the office. For some reason, Ethan looked up and glimpsed something outside the window about 50-100 feet away, "Ashley! Is that a dead fox??"

I looked too. Sure enough, it looked like a fox! With all my heart, I didn't want to believe it was dead, but it was laying pretty still and it was 2 in the afternoon. I didn't think fox were usually out that early.

Both being photographer-minded artists, we ran for the camera and investigated further through the living room window. We snapped a couple shots through the window, just in case it was alive and ran away when we ventured outside.

Then, my heart leapt! I saw it's ear twitch! I swallowed, "Ethan! It's alive! It twitched its ear!" I suppose it seems a little silly to be so joyed at something like that, but I've always been an animal lover. It was nice to realize it was enjoying the spring sun streaming through the trees in our backyard woods instead of lying there dead or sick.

We tiptoed outside. When the shutter clicked, it twitched and slyly turned its head more towards us, watching us. It laid there for a few minutes, watching us as Ethan quickly snapped some more pictures before, quick as lightening, it darted up and bounded away. I'm so glad God let me get that little glimpse of nature! I just love little creatures.

Look at those sly eyes!

So Ethan actually took all these cool photos With two photographers and only one camera, we usually cooperate and take turns with the camera Whoever sees it first gets to take the pic... mostly)

And then we glimpsed this black squirrel just outside our front door munching some... bark? Left over from chopping wood. lol Very cute (Ethan took this too.)

Praising my Lord for little spots of sunshine and delightful woodland animals around us! I think he knew we'd appreciate the fox, both being people who love little creatures. Thank you Lord!

~ Ashley L.

Florida and Back

2011-04-13T23:36:00.000-04:00

Our whirlwind trip to Florida to shoot the commercial went great... at least the shooting part did. The part about warm and sunny... well... that pretty much failed. It thundered almost every day and one day there were even tornadoes. We didn't know about the tornado warnings and we were happily driving along looking for some good locations to shoot some driving shots... when the rain decided to pour. We finally pulled off into a deserted subway... where we learned there were tornado warnings. When we went out again a little while later, there were power lines hanging in the road, trees knocked over, and even the Starbucks sign was split in two! Definately an adventure, but we're going to have to wait for that sun and beach experience. I couldn't believe we went to Florida and never even visited the ocean!

Here are a few pictures from the trip

Snowy when we left....

None where we arrived! The land of sandals and short sleeves

Ethan and I are both fans of blue... so we thought it was cool we were on "Jet Blue" airlines... and they served BLUE potato chips!

As the sun began to set, the water below shimmered a fiery gold, this picture hardly does it justice. It was breathtaking. And to think, the birds get to see this all the time!

sunset on our plane wing

Ethan (left) and Josh (right) planning the shots

getting ready for the next scene

a fun "dolly" shot - with a makeshift dolly since we didn't have ours with us, and no time to make one. I (the only girl in the picture ) had fun squeezing in between it and the wall there to pull focus.

Random picture of parakeets that kept us company at the family's house we stayed at and worked with

Maybe soon, we can go to Florida and actually visit the beach!

Really though, it's nice here now too! Sun actually shines, birds actually sing, bugs are crawling into the house (never thought I'd be glad for that one!). The other day was 75! (now it's 45 again, but it was still sunny today)

I always feel like I get closer to the Lord in summer. Perhaps it's because I love to go out and feel the breeze and the sun on my skin and listen to the birds while I talk to Him. In the winter, I sort of begin to fade. I know it shouldn't be that way, but it seems to never fail. I'm glad spring and summer are near.

Ethan says I'm his sun-powered girl. It's so true. If it's sunny and warm, I have so much more energy and life!

What I really want to be is someone who thrives on the Lord though. That's what I SHOULD be. I couldn't live without Him, that's for sure. And when I'm closer to Him and have been talking to Him and obeying Him and listening to Him, resting in Him, I am peaceful and joyful and full of life. So I suppose I do thrive on Him in a way. But it shouldn't matter if it's gloomy and cold. I should still seek Him and find hope there. I should be full of life always because He is always with me.

Anyhow... for now...

Thank You Lord for SuMMer!

~Ashley L.

Aaaand it Snowed

2011-03-23T23:36:00.000-04:00

I was (foolishly) starting to think winter was over when we had those few warm days. No coat days. But it appears I was wrong.

The nighttime snowfall brought that sort of heavy snow that clings to the tree branches, and ice droplets, frozen in time.

It's dazzling and breathtaking.

I just stand and stare at the white and glassy wonderland and am in awe of the Lord and all He has created.

And even though it's cold, I get a warm feeling. Knowing that I don't need to walk this path of life alone, Jesus wants to walk it with me, right beside me. Right beside us, my husband and I together. Always.

But I still can't wait for Spring. BaRe ToEs. Short sleeves. Gardens growing. Swimming.

Ethan and I are headed to film a commercial in Florida though... so we get to escape the cold and snow, and find sunshine and sand! It's so neat to get to work alongside my husband, doing something we both love. It's not a long project this time though, so we'll be back in the good ole' north soon enough. There is nothing like a husband wife team with the Lord in the center. We're still workin' on that. I have the feeling it will be a lifelong path and journey. But we are hoping, striving to be there. And stay there. If the Lord isn't in the center of all we do, we are sure to fail. Perhaps not in the world's terms of success. But in having our lives be worth more. In touching other's lives. In having a marriage that truly shows the unselfish love, the deepness, the trust, that God wants to have with His children.

I feel almost like we are betraying all our family and friends who must stay here and wait a couple more months for the 80-90 degree weather. But I'll still enjoy it.

footprints and sparkles.

Frozen in time

Ice crystals and new spring buds

Just for fun

the water was frozen on the windows.

On a more springtime note...

Our little starter plants are growing bigger!

Until we return, tan and warm... (just kidding! We'll be working... *cough* most of the time)

And... we will have our first anniversary while we are down there! I can't believe it's been a year. But that's a topic for another day.

Ashley L.

Spring "Fever"

2011-03-23T23:18:00.000-04:00

This last week and a half has been rather strange. I think it's the first time I've gotten sick like that in two years. My husband was so sweet. He would bring me tea for my sore throat, remind me to take my vitamins, and just take care of me.

The first night I was sick, I slept that afternoon and woke up hungry. Little did I know this was just the start of a week long date with the couch. I tried to get up and stumbled to the kitchen. Just travelling those few feet made me tired. Ethan came out to join me and we discovered we were both rather hungry. We couldn't get our minds - or tastebuds - off hamburgers. Yummy, juicy, and loaded with tomato, onion, and lettuce.

With an eager smile, Ethan led me to the couch, "Now you sit down. I'm gonna make some hamburgers for you. You don't have to do anything." I laughed as well as I could laugh in that state. Finally, I relented and sank onto the couch, out of breath already. Before long, I moved to a chair where I could watch him, my heart overflowing with his tenderness and sweetness as I watched him earnestly working away in my kitchen. Me being me, I didn't quite manage to keep myself there, I got up to help a little, but he did almost all of it, and it was SO GoOd!

I won't lie, and lying wouldn't do any good anyway, because all of you married people know the truth, we have our bad times, our hard times, but the good times, the special friend who's always there, the connection you share in life, the struggle to know the Lord and His will and to forge our way through life TOGETHER... it overwhelms the hard times. Completely. I spent the next four days on the couch, and much of the following days I found myself sitting down for a rest or falling asleep. Let's just say, my respect for mothers who get sick rose considerably last week!

As soon as I was able to be up and about, Ethan and I got out our soil and planting trays. And away we planted! We're so eager for Spring! I think we planted our lettuce too early. you're not even supposed to start it ahead, but the thought of yummy, crisp lettuce from our own garden took us over until we found ourselves pushing the little seeds into the little planting trays. And two days later, this is what we saw:

Now we just have to wait for the other plants to emerge! Where we live, we won't be able to plant outside until April at least. But it's fun to see the little green buds peeking out of the soil. It makes me feel like bare toes are on the way!

~ Ashley L

Yumminess

2011-03-21T23:30:00.003-04:00

Most often, I make the meals. But Ethan and I sometimes like to create YuMMy food together. I think it's so sweet of him to join me in the kitchen sometimes, especially since he knows I'm not really much of a kitchen girl. And we have so much fun together! I always tell him he's an awesome chef (because he is!). But he always denies it and says I'm way better. That's two second borns for you.

Before we were married, I was so afraid I wouldn't be able to make good food. (am I alone here?)

I had helped my mom in the kitchen, but rarely had I been in charge (except baking bread, I did that for our family and my "business"). Mostly cuz I didn't want to be! I preferred creative work and the outdoors. And I had been travelling and working on different movies for the past year.

I've actually found I enjoy making food for him though! And Ethan tells me my food is SuPer yummy and he doesn't know why I was afraid I couldn't cook. Thank you Lord! He says I've never made something he doesn't like... except the yogurt and fruit I added fish oil to, not knowing what it was. I know I'm bound to make some not so good meal sometime, but I'm grateful it can be an exception and not the norm like I was afraid it would be!

Thanks for encouraging me in cooking Ethan, and helping me feel more confident! And for doing it with me sometimes. It's so much fun together!

Here's our Saturday afternoon brunch we made.

Deliciously browned sausage and fried eggs with cheese melted on top and refried beans on the side. Finished off with homemade bagels topped with cinnamon and xylitol, and steaming coffee. And of course the ever present spicy toppings, hot sauce and Uncle Joe's famous Diablo Dust (Ethan's Uncle makes it from his hot peppers. We LOVE it!)

Ashley L.

OceanTrust

2011-03-21T23:19:00.001-04:00

I use Xanga more than I use this blog lately. You can find me at www.oceantrust.xanga.com

Pleasing God/Knowing God

2011-03-19T23:28:00.002-04:00

My Uncle brought up an interesting question bounced off my last entry here.

“Might really deep trust lead to a place of not worrying about pleasing anyone, not even worrying about pleasing God? I'm reminded of Paul in Ephesians 2:8, "For by grace we are saved through faith (which can also be translated as "trust"), and this is not our own doing, it is a gift of God." Curious about your thoughts...”

~~~~

This got me thinking. So here are my "thoughts" on that.

Very good point, Uncle Bob! If I'm worrying about pleasing God, it could lead to doing outward things I think He would approve of. It could lead to a superficial life. Which isn't what "being saved" or "being His" is about at all! The focus should be to know Him (not about Him), and trust Him, and focus on Him and not pleasing Him. If I truly seek to get to know Him better, I will automatically please Him. And then it will be from the heart, and not just an outward show.

Furthermore, it’s not me that makes me trust Him and have faith in Him and what He has done for me, it is His gift to me. I can’t even hope to achieve it on my own. I just have to be willing to take that faith, and have a heart attitude that wants to know Him more. A heart turned towards Him. A heart that longs for His companionship, “As the deer pants after the water brooks, so pants my soul after thee, O God.” Psalm 42:1

And when I really know Him and am close to Him in my heart, like I am to my husband, I will really trust Him, because I will realize more than ever how much He cares for me, even if at first glance it might not look like it. Just like a child might not like being denied something by their parents, but when they grow up, they suddenly realize why and it was because their parents cared about them.(believe me, I know! ;) ) The most caring parents, are the ones who don't let their kids get away with everything.

Full trust in Jesus Christ should mean you don't worry about anything. I shouldn't worry about pleasing Him, I should strive to know Him.

That said, we should please God and not try to please/get approval and acceptance from people. But we shouldn’t worry about pleasing God. “But as we were allowed of God to be put in trust with the gospel, even so we speak; not as pleasing men, but God, which tries our hearts.” 1Thessalonians 2:4

Thanks for getting me thinking, Uncle Bob.

(and sorry it’s so long!)

2011-03-18T23:25:00.000-04:00

I don't usually pay much attention to St. Patrick's Day... I'm not sure why. But it reminded me today of green... and green reminded me of Spring and new life... and since it was the warmest day yet this year, I ventured outside to capture some SPRING. As you can tell from the pictures below, I had fun inside too

Our starter plants are growing bigger!

Greenness

Cactus and glass on our windowsill

Onion planted last year... still growing even after all that cold and snow. It reminds me of how I shouldn't let the hard times get me down. They are meant to draw me to Christ. And what I ought to do, is look to Jesus, cling to Him, make Him my all, and Spring will come.

I've been thinking a lot lately about life. About what I should be doing with my life. Even as the words "my life" come out of my mouth, I realize that it shows I don't really understand much about life and my Lord. It is His life, and I ought to be living it for Him. It seems so easy to say, it rolls off my tongue so easily. "My life is His." But doing it. Now that is a hard one. And at first it seems so complex, how could anyone ever figure out how to live for Jesus?

I could go be a missionary, and dedicate all my time to telling people about Jesus, and still be living life for me. I can't just decide what I am going to do, and say "Lord, aren't you proud of me?" Just because I am in the mission field doesn't mean I am serving God. It sounds strange to say that, but I know it's true.

I could have a job scrubbing floors and taking out the garbage, and be living life for Him. Or I could have a cushy job in a nice place and still be living for Him. But what in the world determines whether it is for Him or for me? What determines whether, when I see Jesus, He will say "Well done..." or "I never knew you."

As I have walked through life, it seems like the Lord keeps pointing me back to this one thing. To my heart. To who it is listening to. To who it is trying to please. To whose acceptance it is trying to obtain.

The pharisees seemed like they had it all together. And they denied themselves so many things thinking they were elevating themselves above the others and earning a way to Heaven. They followed lots of outward rules. But they fell far short. They were missing something. They were missing God at the center of their lives. And many times, God has woken me up to the fact that I am living with an attitude like they had... over and over again He's had to show me that I am slipping back into looking for other people's acceptance, to making sure I'm doing the right things and I look good. And it grieves my heart when I suddenly realize I'm acting like I care more what other people think (even other Christians, wanting them to accept me and think I am Godly) than what God does! Is it because I feel like He'll always love me, no matter what? And I have to earn other people's love?

Frankly, painfully, it shouldn't matter to me. The only way I will get closer to God, is by looking for His approval, by listening to Him. And I will only be able to hear Him if I don't put qualifiers on serving my Lord, "God, I want to serve You... but don't make me do it by____" fill in the blank. "Oh! And actually, wouldn't training horses, or making movies be a good way to serve You? Yeah! That's perfect!" And go off, never having let Him get a word in edgewise. Us humans so often think we know, that we have the answers. But in reality, our wisdom is foolishness, and our answers are guesses.

That doesn't mean because I want to do something it means it's not His will for me, not at all! But I have to be willing to yield "my" wishes, "my" talents to Him. He's the only one who sees the big picture and who knows what He created me for.

Honestly, I'm not doing this very well right now, but slowly, He is teaching me to let go of this life, this temporary body and world, of myself and my ideals, and hang on to Jesus for all I am worth. And when I do that, and keep my eyes on Him and my heart open to Him, that is when things become more clear. When I feel at rest, at peace, knowing that I am His, and He is mine. That is when all the clanging of my own mind clears away, and I can hear Him from the heart and know what is His will. Then I can be content, no matter what I am doing, like Paul said, "I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content." (Philipians 4:11) Because I know God is pleased and I am near to Him.

It's all in the heart. And in letting go of me so I can hold on to Him with both hands.

Then I can grow, and know Him, and have new real life.

~ Ashley L.

Where Do I Find Fulfillment and Joy?

2011-02-25T22:54:00.002-05:00

Life is a curious thing. This path we walk on, this adventure we play out. There really seems no way to wrap my brain around it when I try to think about it logically. For instance, when we have everything we thought we wanted, sometimes that is when we feel least satisfied. And when there is sooo much we don't have, but we are looking to God for fulfillment and trusting that He will give us what we need when we need it, then we are so happy and joyful and fulfilled... even if there are some things we think we really, really want, but don't have. Logically, having what I want = happiness and perfect life; not having what I want = discontent and miserableness. But that just is not how it works. Not in my life anyway. And not in the lives I've observed in my (relatively) few years.

I'm finding more and more that when I stray from God, when I start living for me and not Him, I lose my peaceful, contented feeling deep down. I start feeling like I'm not able to reach out to others. I get weary sooner. There really is only one solution to fulfillment in life. Not money, houses, horses, acceptance from others, making cool movies or books or being creative, husbands or anything else... except Jesus. God and God alone.

Something I know deep down is true, but is so hard to carry out, is that I can only find fulfillment in God. Not in my husband. He is amazing, and I love him more than any other human being in some way I can't fathom. He takes care of me and I of him. He is my companion and best friend. He is so special and more than I could ever ask for. But if I look to him to fulfill everything I need... well, it's just going to make him feel inadequate - when he isn't inadequate at all! Because ONLY God can do that. Can ALWAYS be there. Can give me a deep sense of peace and belonging. To ask that of my husband, is asking the impossible.

I can't wait for the sunshine to return. For the balmy air and birds. For the days when I can sit or stroll outside and just BE in God's creation and feel Him and talk to Him. And... for the fun strolls with my husband in nature as we grow closer to Him together, standing in awe of what He has created.

"Lord, please help me to have the right outlook on life. To have a right heart. To be a vessel for You, rather than try to make Your plan fit into my imagination of what You want me to do and be."

~~~~

Enough deepness for now.

A couple weeks ago I was having fun with self portraits in soft light. Here's a few of the outcomes (I would have done them of my husband, except he was working. So I took them of myself FOR him. )

I love the soft light coming from the windows.

wistful

faraway look

I love the blues and whites... and that the seastar came from Ethan and my honeymoon

~~~

These were another day, playing with different expressions. Seriously, I need kids or animals to play around with photo shoots with. They'd be cuter anyway.

wondering

thought

shy

The Lord is so good to me. I love the life and husband he has given me. I'm not sure, maybe I'm the only one, but I have a feeling I'm not alone in this... getting married is the most wonderful thing in the world, but it also uproots your entire life and thought system - in a good way. There's just something about starting your own "family" that makes you grow up and change. And there's also something about husband-wife love that makes you understand Christ and His love for you in a way you never did before. Or... at least for me it has.

~ Ashley L

Winter Beauty

2011-02-01T23:10:00.010-05:00

I posted this yesterday on my His Artist profile. I decided to post it here as well, since I am switching over .

Where I come from, my family had the most snow of anyone in the near vicinity. Where I live now with my husband, we have the least snow of anyone in the vicinity. I went from sledding off the roof to wondering what happened to winter. I had forgotten what it was like not to have my daily list often include shoveling once, if not three or six times. (Okay, so that was an extreme - a heavily snowy thanksgiving where we got feet upon feet of snow that day and didn't see the end of the massive snowbanks until June, I'm dead serious.) Honestly, I looked at it all as an adventure and often wandered out to take pictures - wading through thigh deep snow and stooping down to look into the first story windows.

Here's a couple pictures, in case you want proof :

Yes, that's my family's house... somewhere under there

Catching a view from the roof. The dog just climbed the snowbank and joined them

Dog. Boy. Roof.

Today, my husband and I shoveled our driveway for the first time, and it's February! Since we only have one shovel, and he's a manly man, even though I'm not a girly girl, I 'let' him shovel and I gave him moral support and took pictures of our little winter wonderland. It wasn't nearly as wintery as I am used to, but it was beautiful nonetheless.

Here are some of the results:

Landscape

Hangin' on and waiting for spring, just like me

Frail but hearty beauty

When I'm cooped up inside, I often find my sense of God's awesomeness fading. But as soon as I step outside, take a fresh breath of air, real air... it all comes whooshing back and I just close my eyes and be. Thank you Lord, for all the reminders of you and your care. Thank you for putting us in a beautiful world that is only a hint of what is to come.

"The heavens declare the glory of God; and the firmament sheweth his handiwork." Psalm 19:1

~ Ashley L.

Pendragon

2008-04-21T23:34:00.001-04:00

This is a movie some of my friends are working on... I'd love to be helping too if I could! :) If you're feeling at all adventurous (or even just curious ;) check it out! :)

Billy Boy?

2008-03-12T17:59:00.004-04:00

Okay, I might be having too much fun with this... :) Oh well. :)

Our family was doing chores after supper today. Usually that involves some singing. :shock: What? You mean in like the musicals?! Well, sort of, only we don't usually sing about what we're doing. We just sing while we're doing. So, anyhow. On this particular day, my younger sister started to sing, "O-oh where have you been, Billy boy, Billy boy? O-oh where have you been, charming Billy..." She continues the song, where he says he found a sweetheart, but she's too young and can't leave her mother. Finally she comes to, "Can she bake a cherry pie, Billy boy, Billy boy? Can she bake a chili pie, Charming Billy?"

Mom interjects, "Cherry pie".

My sister says, "That's what I said."

I chime in, laughing a bit, "I heard 'chili', too."

My sister laughs and proceeds to sing it again to satisfy us. Only this time it comes out wrong, too. After three or four attempts and many giggles while she stands in the open refrigerator door, totally unconscious of doing so, she tries again with gusto, "Can she bake a CHERRY pie, Chili boy--" She stops singing at our stares, then realizes her mistake and we all burst out laughing. Suddenly, I notice she has been standing with the refrigerator door open the whole time, and I stop laughing long enough to ask almost teasingly, "Why are you standing with the refrigerator door open?" That does us in again as she shuts it with a bewhildered look, "I have no idea!" Of course with more giggles.

The moral of the story? Never think about what you don't want to say, or you WILL say it! Or else it is: Don't sing while standing at the open refrigerator... it freezes your brain and you sing the wrong words.

Have a great day... and don't think about chili when you sing Billy Boy. ;)

~ Ashley/Zaya

Of Goats, Fudge, and Misinterpretations

2008-03-08T11:29:00.002-05:00

As I am preparing to type this, I hear from the kitchen, "O-o-oh-h-h-w-w-w-w..." and my little brother giggling. I look up to find him at the sink washing a pan... or, rather, holding a pan I can only guess that he had been washing.

With mild concern laced with humor in light of his giggles, I ask, "What did you do, splash yourself?"

Still facing the sink, he looks over his shoulder at me and says, "Wo-o-orse." Then he turns around and I stare. One entire pant leg is drenched, and I mean drenched!

"Did you dump the whole pan of water on yourself??"

"Yeah. I guess I better change," And he scampers off with more giggles. I could hear them echoing from his bedroom interupted once in a while with, "Oh dear!s".

Later he says to our Mom, "You should have seen what I did."

"Yeah? What'd you did?" she asks.

He laughs and says with respect, "That's not grammatically correct..." and proceeds with the above story.

Oh dear. Life is so fun. Now to the story I was going to write when this humorous situation (only rendered so because of my brother's cheerful attitude and decision to see the fun of it rather than the inconvenience) interrupted me.

Last night our family was enjoying our 'Family Night', part of which includes having ice cream. Mmmm! One of my favorites. We also had purchased some goat's milk fudge last week and I decided to have some of it again. We had all tasted it last week, and detected the infamous 'goat flavor', none of us enjoying it too much.

"I guess I'll have some of this fudge again," I said. "Maybe we should serve it at church..." meaning it would dissappear more quickly that way. "It's actually not bad if you get past the goat flavor. Seriously, it tastes like a goat smells."

There was an awkward lull in the conversation before Dad said teasingly, "Boy, I think I liked it better when you practiced on Jello."

I wondered what on earth he was talking about until he clarified, "You said the fudge tasted like a goat's mouth."

My eyes popped. I began laughing and said, "No, no! I said it tastes like a goat SMELLS! Oh dear..."

We all laughed and to my amazment several other family memebers informed me they had thought I'd said 'goat's mouth' too. What is this world coming to?

*Ahem*. And just to clarify, we were never in the habit of 'practicing' on Jello... that was purely joke on Dad's part.

Now that I have recovered my dignity (I hope?), I shall take my leave.

~ Ashley/Zaya

Hearts Journey Home

2008-01-20T00:10:00.000-05:00

Well, this is it folks. After frustrating days of being unable to think or imagine before and after a brief flash of inspiration in the watches of the night I experienced a few days ago, I have decided the first chapter of the book I have written and am currently editing is decent enough to post. But be forewarned. I do not intend to post the entire 350+ page book here for various reasons, so if you read this chapter, know that you will not get the entire story here, and perhaps not even another chapter. For this reason I hesitate to even post one chapter lest people have my neck for giving them only a partial story. :)

Please comment! I need to know what people think... honestly. It will help me in editing the rest of this book before I send it to printing. :)

----------------------------------------------------

Hearts Journey Home

CHAPTER 1

Sorryl hunched closer to his brother and pulled his arms into his shirtsleeves in an effort to keep warm. He glanced up at his brother. Trey was still trying to force himself to eat the moldy crust they had discovered in a garbage heap. As hunger pangs gripped his stomach, Sorryl reluctantly pulled one arm from his shirt and took another nibble of his bread. He swallowed without chewing so he wouldn’t have to taste it.

Trey glanced understandingly at his little brother and wrapped an arm over his shoulders as they tried to lend each other warmth and strength. In order to ignore the taste of the bread he was attempting to eat, Trey allowed his mind to wander, something he usually avoided the last few weeks. He tried to keep his thoughts on the present lately, for the past was too painful, and the future too frightening and lonely to dwell on.

Suddenly, Sorryl leaped to his feet, “Trey, watch out!”

Trey’s head snapped up as an older boy roughly grabbed him and pulled him to his feet, sneering, “Whad’ya know, Albert. I think this is just the type of boy we were looking for.” His raspy voice broke off in a harsh laugh as the boy leered at Sorryl. “And this other little boy here. I’m sure you want us to let this boy go, ey?”

Sorryl clenched his fists at his side and threw his chin up, “Yes. You put him down now!”

“What is he, a friend? Why should you care what we do with him?”

Sorryl’s eyes flashed, “Let him go!”

Albert spoke now, “We-e-e-ll.” He drawled. “Maybe we’d let him go. But you’d have to do us a favor first.”

Sorryl just bore his eyes into the boy.

“So, we think we’re tough, do we? Brady, look at the little guy. He’s trying to shoot daggers through me!” Albert mocked.

Brady laughed and shook Trey, “Your little companion thinks he can get you free, it seems.”

Trey growled through clenched teeth, “Leave him alone!”

The boys just laughed, “You young'uns sure do like to think you’re tough. But you’re really just sissies. You’d never get away from us.”

Sorryl could stand no more. Recklessly, he lunged at the boy called Brady. He caught the tormentor off-guard, but Sorryl’s small body was not enough to make much effect on the bigger boy.

“Sorryl, don’t!” Trey pled, but he was too late.

Albert roughly swooped Sorryl up and dangled him above the ground. His voice took on a coaxing tone, “Now, we know you want your little friend released, but you’ll have to do what we tell you or we won’t let him go.”

Sorryl just let out an infuriated yell and kicked the boy in the shins.

Albert dropped him and his voice grew threatening, “Now. You will go and get that money box on the corner there. When you give it to us, we’ll let this other boy go.”

Sorryl’s eyes flew wide and he leaped to his feet once more. They were asking him to steal? His mind raced as he groped for another option. But none presented itself and he just mutely glared at the boys until Albert roughly shoved him in the direction of the vendor with the money box, whispering threateningly, “Go, little brat! You know there’s no other way.”

Sorryl hesitated and glanced at Trey.

With an evil grin, Albert twisted Trey’s arm so that the boy cried out in pain despite his stiff resolve to make no sound.

His chest burning with rage, yet limp in helplessness, he dashed off to do his detestable duty… or whatever it was.

Sorryl snuck toward the money box, his heart hammering within his chest. He reached out and grabbed hold of the box. Now to get away with it. Suddenly, Sorryl jumped in terror as rough hands locked about his small arms. As he twisted around to see who it was, a gasp of despair escaped him. No! It can’t be! I’m done for now! Sorryl broke free of his shock and terror as he cried beseechingly, “No, sir! Please! I won’t take it!”

“You’re right, you won’t!” growled the New York City police officer, shaking the four-year-old he had seized. Suddenly, there was a shout and a clatter of feet in the ally nearby, but when the officer turned to see what it was all that met his gaze was an astonished boy lying in the filthy street.

When Trey saw his brother in the policeman’s grasp, he leaped to his feet again, his heart pulsing. Flames of anger tore at his chest as he glanced behind him to see where Albert and Brady had gone, but the cowards had already fled around the corner. He turned back to this new trouble before him, gulping down the anger. It won’t do you any good to stay upset, Trey. You’d better just calm down and figure out what to do, he reprimanded himself. Jesus, please help me! For a moment, the six-year-old hesitated. What now? With a burst of courage and determination, he made his decision. “Sir! Sir! Please!” As he saw the officer give his little brother a pinch on the cheek, his heart swelled and he finally gave up that seemingly useless approach. Indignation burned in his chest as he shifted his gaze from the pink spot on his little brother’s cheek to the officer’s irritated back. How dare that officer? Resolutely, he squared his small, though surprisingly broad, shoulders and pounced onto the policeman.

“Hey! Y-you scoundrel!” the officer yelled, catching his balance just in time. He glared angrily at these two street urchins.

Suddenly, shame flooded Trey. He knew he was supposed to respect the officer, but he had been so desperate to rescue his brother. A vision of his mother rose before his eyes and he drew in a sharp breath. I’m sorry Mama. Her eyes met his, full of sadness and love. Trey’s heart clenched within him. No matter the desperate situation, he should have had more respect toward the officer. Mama! Why couldn’t you be here to help me know what to do? No answer. He had known there wouldn’t be, not from his mother. Not ever again. He clenched his eyes shut. Oh! Why has the world suddenly become so cold and unfriendly these last weeks? Why?

Trey’s next words carried this lonely ache and a plea for help into their respectful, though desperate tones, “Please leave him be! ‘Twasn’t his fault! Those boys made him. Oh, please!” His voice broke and he tried to choke back a heart-rending sob. Why did those boys have to find them and harass them? Didn’t they know it was already hard enough to live?

The police officer only sputtered angrily and shook the boy off his back, catching hold of him as well. “I saw no ‘other boys’! Where are your mother and father?”

At this question, pain filled the brothers’ eyes and both looked down with a choking sound, but gave no other response. How could they speak? If they once opened their mouths, the boys feared all the built up pain and sorrow that chiseled relentlessly away at their young hearts would burst out. The officer definitely would not take kindly to that. So the dark-haired brothers clamped their quivering lips and blue eyes shut and mutely awaited their fate.

At their silence, the officer pressed on in half-accusing, half-sarcastic tones, “Afraid to tell me, ey?” He paused to growl under his breath, “Little troublemakers,” then impatiently rattled Trey, “Better tell, it’ll be better for you that way.”

Trey laboriously worked his lips, but no words would come. Finally, with a great effort, he stuttered brokenly, “Th-they’re g-gone,” gulping down a sob that caught in his throat.

“Oh, likely excuse,” the merciless policeman pressed on. He was tired of all these street kids making trouble. “Have they left on vacation without you?” he scoffed.

“N-no s-sir.”

“Well, then, where are they?”

Trey gulped, swallowing around the lump in his throat. He must make his voice work and answer the officer. Swallowing hard, he finally managed to whisper, “I-in… H-Heaven, s-s-sir.”

Sorryl just stood there, trembling as he glanced back and forth between the officer and his cherished older brother, unable to speak a word. But though they were close to tears, both boys possessed an aura of strength and bravery, so that as the policeman’s eyes bored into them, he was put in mind of the budding knights of old. This only served to make him angrier. These children aught to be cowering in fear of his power and know that they were not worthy to meet his eyes, dirty street urchins that they were. Instead, their gazes were now locked with his. And such pure, unwavering gazes they were!

Giving way to his irritation, the officer sneered, “Oh, so you’re an original. Usually they say, ‘a long ways away, sir,’ looking ever so innocent.”

Trey swallowed hard. “I-I m-m-mean, s-sir…” he halted painfully.

Believing the stubborn boy might actually be acknowledging the truth now, the officer gave him a prompting pinch on the cheek.

Trey flinched, resisting the urge to place his hand over the stinging cheek. The officer shouldn’t know how it had hurt. Instead, he drew a shaky but resolved breath and continued with difficulty, “I mean that they’re…” He gulped, “D-dead.” Trey’s face contorted in inward pain for a moment before it relaxed into an unreadable expression as he shoved his hurt deep down. He thrust out his chin in determination as it endeavored to rise to the surface once more.

At last, the officer understood, “Well then, you are orphans, and belong in the orphanage.” He paused a moment, then muttered bitterly, “Haven’t seen many street kids this well mannered, even if you do throw the older one’s obstinate attitude in. They must’ve had a good mother long enough to adopt some of her gentleness and learn some good manners. Well, they’ll soon be tough and hardened like the rest of the unfortunates running around. I can see it happening already. I’d best get them while I can.” With that, the officer began dragging them in the direction of the Children’s Home.

Fear gripped Trey and Sorryl’s young hearts anew as they were pulled along.

Sorryl silently berated himself for even attempting to steal, even if it was to save his brother. Now he had gotten Trey in trouble too. But it was too late for regrets now. He had done it, and because Trey had tried to defend him, now his older brother was forced to pay the consequences with him.

Their hearts breaking, Trey and Sorryl strained against the police officer in an attempt to escape, for they had heard dreadful stories of the orphanage and it struck terror in their innocent hearts. But it was no use. The officer was too strong for them.

Trey felt as though his heart was dying within him. Glancing at Sorryl, he knew his little brother felt the same way. It seemed as though their world, which they had thought had already been completely destroyed when their parents had disappeared, had found some way to further crumble around them in this one, short, yet seemingly tortuously long, afternoon.

Growing irritated at the boys’ struggles, the officer tightened his grip, striving not to let them wiggle free. As he did so, he suddenly felt a restraining, though gentle, hand laid on his arm.

He turned with a scowl toward whoever dared interfere and found a young lady imploring him with startlingly caring eyes.

“Please, sir,” she began, summoning all the courage her heart could find. “They’re so little,” was all she managed at last, with a glance at the trembling boys who were standing taught and dry-eyed.

Despite the vagueness of her plea, the officer understood, “Well, all the better for them to be in the orphanage. They can’t stay on the streets.” His answer came rather roughly because he was still irritated with the boys, though this stranger’s manner made it impossible for him to remain angry with her for interceding for these waifs.

“Well, what if they have relatives who could take them,” she insisted. Oh, Lord. Please help me! If only I could penetrate the hard shell I sense You telling me bitterness has created in this officer and reach that caring heart that is hidden beneath!

“Listen, lady, the orphanage will find out about details. My job is just to keep ‘em out of trouble. They’re lucky I’m not lugging ‘em off to jail.”

The soft-spoken lady was not to be discouraged so easily. She suppressed a shiver at the thought of the small boys being put in jail and pressed on, “May I speak to the children a moment, sir?”

“I don’t know why you’d want to.” After an undecided pause, he grudgingly gave in, “Guess it can’t hurt. But don’t blame me if you find something missing. I caught the little one snatching a money box.”

“I know. I saw,” the young lady murmured, blinking back tears as she stooped down in the dirty street so the small boys wouldn’t have to look up to see her. “What are your names?” she asked tenderly.

“I’m Trey. He’s Sorryl spelled with a ‘y’, ma’am,” the older boy answered, heroically stifling the flow of tears that would prick his eyes.

“What beautiful names!” she exclaimed with a feeling smile, barely keeping her composure as tears assailed her once more. She dreaded bringing up the subject she knew she must. It seems they haven’t been orphans for long and the last thing they need is to have a wound torn open again. Finally, she continued reluctantly, “Do you still have a house, where you lived with your mama and papa?”

Trey’s searching eyes met hers solemnly. “No. We were in a…” his voice trailed off as he sought for the proper word. He finally ventured, “…in a sharing house. And the owner threw us boys out when they found out Mama and Papa were dead and weren’t paying anymore.” His answer was uttered nonchalantly in an unfeeling tone. However, the shaky sigh that followed gave him away, piercing the lady’s heart to the quick. With her motherly instinct she could see the barricade he had thrown up. “Someone so young should never find need for such a thing,” she thought sadly. She glanced at the smaller boy. Trey had said his name was Sorryl... spelled with a ‘y’. Apparently, that was very important to them. She nearly smiled, but its shadow quickly disappeared as she observed the small boy called Sorryl. He was trembling a bit, but his lips were clamped tightly shut, for he, too, was trying to ward off the pain in his obviously tortured heart. She sighed.

The officer shuffled his feet impatiently, still holding the boys’ arms tightly. This lady reminded him of his mother, who couldn’t bear to see a child suffer. He had once been that way, too. But now… Well, now he didn’t quite know what the matter was, but he somehow felt… dead inside.

The lady glanced up at him in a mute request for his patience for just a moment longer, and then turned back to the boys, “Did your family have some friends?”

“We just came here, we didn’t know anyone yet, and Grandma and Gran’pa died in the sickness.” Trey answered, unable to keep the pain from venturing into his voice and eyes once more as he bit his lower lip to stop its quivering. His heart felt as though it would burst any moment.

Sorryl startled them by finally speaking as the pain and confusion in his heart throbbed into words, “And Mama and Papa are gone, ‘cause a man with beer ate them in his car.” A solitary tear stole past the little boy’s self-constructed barrier and sparkled softly down his cheek, leaving a clean trail upon the noble face.

Suddenly, the lady had to glance away from him. She could no longer bear the pain in his young eyes that looked far too old.

“He means they were in a car accident, really,” Trey explained, holding his chin higher and blinking rapidly as he felt his barricade weaken.

The officer cleared his throat and shifted uneasily. He was beginning to see a painful image of himself in Trey, and even in little Sorryl. With a pang, he suddenly realized that it was not rebellion which caused the boy to thrust out his chin, but rather determination not to reveal the pain that was tormenting his young heart. Something I understand all too well. He could still feel the pain in his heart weighing in his chest like a hard rock. It hadn’t become that way all at once. No. His heart had gradually callused over his thirty-three years of life as he harbored the pain in a hidden corner of it that he strove to pretend was nonexistent. Shaking these thoughts away, he glanced down at the boys and noticed the redness of their arms where he was gripping them. With a start, he realized how hard he must be holding them and quickly loosened his grip, still keeping enough of a hold that they would not manage to slip away. He averted his eyes, ashamed for the first time in a long while of his learned insensitivity.

“All right. Let’s be off now,” he ordered, softening his tone a bit, but still speaking rather shortly as he swallowed the rising lump in his throat. He glanced at the lady, who stood as he began pulling the boys in the direction of the orphanage, “If you want to talk with the rascals, go to the children’s home.” And, with that, he pulled the pain-filled boys down the street, a little more gently this time. Sorryl glanced back at her, stumbled, was righted by the officer, and then disappeared around the corner.

~ *~

That's all for now folks. :) Please let me know what you think.

~ Ashley/Zaya

A first post

2008-01-13T20:17:00.000-05:00

I have a previous account on Xanga which I frequent more often. Until I get something posted here, vist my Xanga!

About Me:

Ashley

I love Jesus with all my heart. He is my Savior and deserves more respect and honor than I could ever give Him! I was homeschooled all twelve grades. I am a writer, and am also learning to make independent Christian movies and hope to be a good cinematographer some day. I love animals (especially horses!) and find great joy in just strolling through God's vast creation and being amazed! When I am overwhelmed, I love to venture outdoors and have a good talk with God with His peaceful creation surrounding me. I love doing anything artistic - sketching, playing instruments, writing, movie-making...Upon first meeting me, one's first impression would be that I am shy... but beware of that spunk hidden beneath! :)